Past and Present
by MadeofScars
Summary: What will happen once Jack is arrested for conspiring to commit a terrorist act? How will Kensi deal with the overwhelming guilt in the fallout? How will Deeks fit into all of this?
1. Chapter 1

Seriously another story? Yes, unfortunately, inspiration struck again. I blame the song Pet by A Perfect Circle for this. Enjoy! Updates to my other story are coming, promise :)

* * *

*The Team after Sidorov*

Callen and Kensi were given a month off to recover emotionally from the ordeal with Sidorov. Nate was brought in to work with them extensively before clearing them fit for work again.

Sam and Deeks had needed two months off work to recover from their injuries, both physical and emotional. Deeks had been the worse off out of the two spending more time in the hospital to heal from the injuries inflicted during the torture.

*Three months after the episode with Sidorov*

Callen, Sam and Deeks were all sitting together in the bullpen working on paperwork from their previous case. It had been the third case they had worked on together since the one with Sidorov and the stolen nukes. They were slowly getting back into the swing of things. They had been lucky enough to work three fairly mundane cases that didn't require a great deal of effort or exertion. Hetty surely had a hand in ensuring that. She knew that her team was still dealing with the fallout from that case, she wanted to ensure that their re-introduction to the job was a gradual one.

"Yo Deeks, what are you doing Saturday?" Sam asked, folding the lid of his laptop closed, directing his attention to the detective sitting next to him.

"I dunno, probably surfing, why?" Deeks replied, letting out a yawn as he stretched in his chair, he hated paperwork with a passion.

"Me and G are going to the Lakers game, you in?" Sam offered, pulling the tickets out from his bag he began using them as a fan. Deeks counted them, there were three in his hand. Sam threw one of them to Deeks, smirking.

Deeks picked the ticket up from his desk, reading the seat number. "Wow! These are courtside! How did you get these?"

"I gotta friend..." Sam shrugged "so you in?"

"Of course! Thanks man." Deeks replied, standing up to shake hands with the Navy Seal. They used their new custom handshake, one that Deeks had invented and insisted that they used from now on. Callen smirked as he watched the two, he knew that Sam hated the handshake yet he put up with it trying to embrace the differences between the two instead of fighting against them.

"This is going to be awesome" Deeks smiled as he looked down at the ticket again.

The fun was interrupted a few seconds later.

"We got a case." Eric yelled, bypassing the usual whistle, his tone serious.

"What's up with him?" Sam asked, looking over at his partner. Callen shrugged, "maybe he had a fight with Nell?" Sam chuckled in response, it was obvious that those two had it bad for each other.

"Poor guy, I know how that feels..." Deeks added himself into the conversation as the three men began their ascent up the stairs.

"Well you do fight with Kensi everyday." Sam quipped jokingly.

"Exactly, I know how it feels." Deeks smirked.

The three men entered the upstairs ops center in good spirits, only to meet a very drastic change in tone.

"Introducing Mr Lance Ames, United States Army veteran." Eric began the briefing as soon as everyone entered transferring the images from his tablet to the big screen. Hetty was standing at Eric's side, watching her team closely as he began the briefing.

"And this is Jack Matthews, retired U.S. Marine, current anti-war campaigner." The images that flashed up on the screen revealed two very contrasting images of the man. The first was a clean-cut young man in military uniform. The latter, showed a man with long brown hair and a beard.

"Wow it's Jesus." Deeks joked. Sam and Callen laughed slightly in response, Deeks had afterall said what they were both thinking. However, one look from Hetty and the joking was over. Hetty loudly cleared her throat in displeasure, "continue please Mr Beale."

"Right, okay so we've got it from a very reliable source that these guys are planning on taking some very drastic actions over the next few months." Eric brought up photos advertising different upcoming political conventions across the United States.

"Who is this reliable source?" Callen asked, slightly skeptical of the intel.

Eric looked at Hetty for guidance, silently asking her to take over from him. "Mr Beale please pull up footage from the latest anti-war rally in Washington."

They all directed their attention to the screen as a video began playing. They watched as a politician got red paint thrown over him by a woman wearing a hoody. The camera followed her running away from security before it abruptly ended.

Sam scoffed "That's hardly grounds for getting us involved..."

"Mr Beale, please replay the video, this time zoom in on our offender." Hetty replied, folding her arms, slightly frustrated by her agents' reactions.

Eric did as he was told, replaying the video, stopping it as the hooded woman was revealed to the camera. The image was grainy at best, yet as Eric zoomed in and enhanced the image it became clear who the woman was.

"Wow, wait Kensi?" Deeks asked, quite frankly shocked to see her there.

Hetty nodded in response. "Yes Mr Deeks, Eric continue the video."

Eric complied, un-pausing the video to show Kensi joining up with a bearded man, running away with him hand-in-hand to an awaiting vehicle.

"Matthews?" Callen asked, noticing the man immediately from the images earlier.

"Yes Mr Callen, that is Jack Matthews." Hetty waited, anticipating the barrage of questions.

"Wait, how did Kensi get in with these guys? She hasn't been working this case very long?" Sam somewhat questioned Hetty, wanting more information about the case immediately.

"Indeed Mr Hanna..." Hetty turned her attention to Deeks, she could see the cogs in his brain turning as he studied the images up on the screen.

"Wow wow wow Hetty... that's not who I think it is... is it?" Realization was hitting Deeks like a tonne of bricks. Surely that wasn't...

"Yes Mr Deeks, it is indeed Kensi's ex-fiance..." Hetty clarified, receiving shocked gasps and questioning looks from her two older agents.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to review, it really means a lot :) I'm sorry this story is going to have a lot of political views coming through, I don't mean to offend anyone by voicing them, so please read with caution, or just skip those bits :P Most importantly though, ENJOY!

* * *

"Yes, Mr Deeks." Although Hetty had her back turned to the person currently approaching her desk, she knew who it was immediately. She could hear the trepidation in his footsteps as he built up the courage to talk to her. Hetty knew that he would have questions, it was only a matter of time.

"Hetty look... Is this really a good idea putting Kensi in this situation?" Deeks asked taking a seat in the chair opposite Hetty as she poured him a cup of tea.

"Ah, yes... The age old question..." Hetty placed a cup in front of Deeks, deviating slightly to inform him that it was "a new batch." Hetty knew that he really didn't give a crap about the tea right now so she continued. "If I had a dollar for every time I had asked myself that same exact question Mr Deeks, I would be retired on a private island right now." Hetty sighed, sitting down in front of the detective.

Deeks gave her a weak smile, waiting for her to continue.

"I do not know the answer to that question, I can only hope for the best." Hetty offered, sipping from her cup of tea. She knew that her answer wouldn't bring him any solace. She couldn't exactly lie to him and tell him that it was a good decision, he wouldn't buy a bullshit answer when it came to Kensi. So she decided to be upfront with him.

"What am I supposed to do? I mean, what do I say to her when she checks in?" Deeks asked meekly. He leaned forward in the chair, clearly looking for guidance from the older woman. The scene was similar to when he had asked Hetty about her decision to let Kensi talk to Astrid. He was hoping for some insider information.

"Just be her partner, make sure that she knows that you are there for her." Hetty stated.

"Right..." Deeks was really looking for more than that.

"Kensi tends to shut down when her emotions threaten to guide her, don't press her to talk about this case Mr Deeks, let her open up to you." Hetty offered her take on the situation, committing herself to giving him some practical advice. She knew that he would seriously consider it, if there was one thing that she could count on it was Deeks listening to her advice. She watched as he contemplated the words she had just spoken.

Hetty interrupted his thoughts not wanting him to start overthinking things. "You should get onto running that surveillance Mr Deeks."

"Okay, thanks Hetty." Deeks smiled at the older woman.

* * *

Deeks sat outside Jack's apartment, running surveillance on Kensi. Deeks couldn't believe that she had kept the case from him. Sure, he had kept Monica from her but this, this was totally different. She used to be engaged to the guy, this was personal. This brought a whole new level of emotional attachment to the case. He couldn't help but wonder what was going through Kensi's mind, if she still had feelings for Jack, what this case was doing to her.

*Flashback - Two and a half months ago*

Deeks lay in the hospital bed desperately watching as the minutes painstakingly ticked slowly by. The space in-between visiting hours had become his worst enemy. He was going insane being stuck in a hospital bed, barely able to move.

He smiled as Kensi walked through the door half an hour later bringing the usual gifts with her, a coffee made to his exact order and a chocolate muffin. It cheered him up every morning, the company and the food.

"Hey, how are you feeling this morning?" Kensi asked placing the goods on the tray in front of him as he tried to sit up in the bed. It was awkward for him to adjust his position with the multiple injuries he had sustained at the hands of Sidorov. "Here let me help you." Kensi said reaching behind him to adjust the pillows into a more comfortable position.

Once he got settled Deeks began to speak. "You know it never fails to surprise me..." Kensi looked at him with confusion, a slight frown on her face wondering what he was on about. "You being caring like this." Deeks joked.

Kensi stepped back, glaring at him "Hah, you must be feeling better..._funny guy_." She fought back the urge to punch him. 'He's injured, he's injured' Kensi repeated to herself.

"Yeah I only feel like I got hit by a bus today..." Deeks sarcastically replied.

"It's better than the freight train last week." Kensi countered, watching as he sipped from the coffee she had brought him. "Oh god that's good" He moaned as the caffeine entered his body, immediately taking effect.

"You better hide that if a nurse comes in, I got in trouble for bringing you that last time." Kensi smiled, watching him savour the taste as he sipped eagerly from it again. "Really? Which one? It was Sandy wasn't it." Deeks smirked.

"Yes! She was really bitchy too!" Kensi replied, remembering her run-in with the older woman a few days ago.

"God, that's hilarious." Deeks found it particularly amusing. Sandy always fussed over him like he were her own son, he could totally picture her telling Kensi off.

"No it's not, I felt like I was back at high school, like I'd bought contraband to school or something!" Kensi replied, checking out the window to see if Sandy was lurking outside.

Deeks laughed. "Ohhhh bad girl."

Kensi was about to reply but she spotted Sandy outside the room from the corner of her eye. "Oh god!" Kensi quickly grabbed the cup of coffee from Deeks, who gave her a questioning look. "What the hell?" The expression was written all over his face but the confusion quickly subsided once he saw Sandy walk inside the room.

"Marty, how are you this morning?" Sandy asked smiling at Deeks who gave her a cheesy grin "fantastic."

Sandy looked over at Kensi giving her a less than friendly greeting as she walked over to them. "Kensi, that coffee better be for you." Sandy said skeptically. "Of course!" Kensi lied, taking a sip from the cup, pretending to enjoy it. Deeks bit back a laugh as he watched their interaction. He knew that Kensi hated his coffee which made watching her try to enjoy drinking it all the more enjoyable.

"I just need to check your blood pressure and take some bloods, I won't be too long." Sandy smiled as she wrapped the apparatus around Deeks' arm.

"B...blood test?" Deeks questioned, suddenly turning pale.

"Yes, I'm sorry I know you don't like needles, but I promise I'll be very gentle." Sandy said trying to reassure him. She gently rubbed a comforting hand over his shoulder, watching as he closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the pillow.

"Come on Deeks, it's not that bad..." Kensi sighed watching his reaction.

"I'm sure your partner wouldn't mind holding your hand if it helps?" Sandy suggested innocently. She had seen how they interacted over the two weeks she had been caring for Deeks. She knew that there was a strong bond between the two of them yet seemingly a reluctance to take things further.

Kensi watched Deeks' reaction closely as he opened his eyes and looked at her. The sad expression on his face coupled with those damn puppy dog eyes just about killed her. "Fine, I'll hold your hand..." Kensi muttered, trying to sound frustrated and reluctant yet she quickly walked around to be at his side.

"Okay great, your blood pressure has calmed down a bit now, I shouldn't have told you about the blood test before I did that." Sandy laughed, unwrapping Deeks' arm.

Kensi could hear Deeks inhale a sharp breath of air as he felt Sandy dab his arm with cotton wool and whatever it was she sterilized his arm with. Kensi gently squeezed his hand, letting him know that she was there for him. However irrational she might think his phobia was it was a genuine fear for Deeks and she had to respect that. She watched as he turned his head towards her with his eyes squeezed closed anticipating what was to come.

"Honey, you have to relax for me." Sandy said running a comforting hand up his arm, trying to stop him from tensing it up so much.

"Stop thinking about it." Kensi said, placing her other hand on top of Deeks', gently rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand.

"Try thinking about... I don't know, um Monty? You know that furry mutt of yours? He licked me ten times this morning!" Kensi complained, trying to take his mind off what was happening. She watched as Deeks smiled, he was grateful to know that his beloved canine was being well looked after.

"There, all done." Sandy smiled, packing up all of the equipment.

"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Kensi asked, releasing Deeks' hand and stepping back.

"It was terrible, I can't even move my arm it hurts so much..." Deeks moaned, looking down at the plaster, he suddenly felt queasy.

"You big baby..." Kensi teased, walking over to the chair and taking a seat.

"Don't let your coffee get cold." Sandy said, about to leave the room.

"Oh I won't" Kensi said cheerily, taking another sip and smiling at the older woman as she left the room. Kensi's expression immediately changed to disgust as the door closed. "God Deeks, you have terrible taste, that coffee is disgusting" Kensi said slamming the cup down on the tray. She had to take a bite out of the muffin to get the taste out of her mouth.

"Really? You drink my coffee and now you eat my muffin?" Deeks feined sadness.

"Hey you're lucky I bring you anything!" Kensi replied.

"Yeah, I'm surprised Sandy hasn't banned you from visiting me yet." Deeks smiled as he reached for the cup of coffee again only for Kensi to move it away from his grasp. "What are you doing?" Deeks whined.

"Maybe coffee isn't such a good idea..." Kensi replied, re-thinking her generosity given Sandy's reaction to her earlier. He wasn't supposed to be drinking it afterall.

"What? No, come on!" Deeks was desperate. "Kens, I need coffee in the morning or else I don't function, please!"

"I know but..."

"No, no buts, come on, I can barely move, please allow me to have at least one good thing while I'm stuck here." Deeks pleaded.

"Hey, you've already got me here, that's a good thing right?" Kensi joked.

Deeks knew what she was trying to do, distraction techniques, 'not gonna work' he said to himself. "It's not enough, I need the coffee!"

"No."

"Come on, Fern!"

"No, don't call me that, you know it pisses me off."

"I do, Fern."

"See, why would you do that? Why would you piss me off when you want something from me? I just don't understand that"

"Come on!"

"No, eat your muffin."

"You suck! You know that? You're a terrible partner..."

"Oh my gosh don't do that, don't mope."

"I'm not moping."

"Yes you are."

"I'm not moping, okay... maybe a little bit... but I have a good reason to mope..." Deeks sighed, his entire face dropping with sadness.

"Ahhh... okay fine, one more sip, but that's it, okay?" Kensi finally caved in immediately seeing his face light up with happiness.

"Okay, okay, one sip." Deeks agreed. Kensi slid the cup over to him. She watched as he drank the entire thing. The coffee was at a perfect temperature, how could he could he resist?

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe you just did that!" Kensi growled as Deeks just smirked at her. "You are so lucky I can't punch you right now..." Kensi glared at him.

"Why did you think I did it?" Deeks smirked impressed with his efforts.

Kensi just shook her head, returning to her seat, she refused to look at him.

"Oh come on Fern, don't mope." Deeks was pushing his luck and he knew it.

After several minutes of silent treatment despite his best efforts to coax a response out of her, Deeks was desperate.

"Kens, I'm sorry, come here, please." Deeks pleaded, reaching his arm over the bedrail to her. The movement made Kensi finally glance over at him. She looked down at his hand first and then back up to his face. She looked into his sad blue eyes and could see the heartfelt expression of apology in them, she knew that she couldn't hold out any longer.

"What do you want Deeks?" Kensi replied with a mix of anger and sadness.

"Your hand, please" Deeks asked, slightly reaching out for her even more despite the pain, he winced slightly as he overstretched himself.

"You idiot, lean back." Kensi scolded him, quickly rushing to his side, taking hold of his hand and placing her other hand on his head, slightly applying pressure to make him sit back properly. "Ahhh" Deeks shut his eyes as pain rushed down his side, he slightly cursed himself for being such an idiot. But it had got her attention, she was by his side.

"Are you okay? Do you need more pain relief?" Kensi asked, looking around the bed for the button to press.

"No, no I'm good." Deeks lied, knowing that it made him feel woozy and want to go to sleep, the last thing he wanted, especially since she was there.

"No, you're not." Kensi replied, a worried look on her face. "Where does it hurt?" She asked, looking over his heavily bruised body it seemed like a silly question, _everywhere_.

"Just down the side, kind of reached too far." Deeks inhaled sharply, his broken ribs were giving him hell.

"I knew it!" Kensi sighed "you're an idiot you know that..." Kensi muttered, "I'll be right back," she sighed leaving the room in search of an ice pack. She returned a minute later with one in hand.

"No not the ice, it's... Ahhhhh!" Deeks hissed as the cold ice was pressed into his ribs. Despite having a bandage between himself and his skin, the cold still penetrated quickly. "Oh stop you big baby." Kensi teased, holding it there despite his protests.

"It's cold!" Deeks complained, squirming slightly.

"Stop moving, you'll hurt yourself again, then I'll need more ice packs." Kensi warned him, he immediately stilled his actions.

"You know, you'd make a terrible nurse." Deeks moaned as he tried to readjust his position in the bed again.

"Yeah well, you're a terrible patient." Kensi shot back. "God just sit still!"

"I can't!" Deeks yelled, he had been stuck in hopsital for far too long for his liking. The frustration was finally starting to come out.

"Look, I know it sucks, I know you can't sit still, I know you'd rather be surfing right now but you're stuck here until you get better and if you don't stop moving then you're going to be here for months." Kensi replied, trying to make him see sense.

"God, don't say that." Deeks sighed, dropping his head back into the pillow, the idea was downright terrifying to him. Yet he stopped moving, so she obviously got through to him.

"Sorry, it's true though..." Kensi sighed, flipping the ice pack over. He was still for several minutes, she was starting to wonder if he had gone to sleep. She removed the ice pack from his ribs, gently pulling the sheet up to cover his body, not wanting him to be cold. She leaned down to kiss his forehead, softly pressing her lips to his head. She gasped slightly as he grabbed her arm, stopping her from fully pulling away. "I thought you were asleep!" Kensi was a littled thrown off. "You told me not to move, I thought I'd better listen to you or else you'd shoot me." Deeks joked. "Yeah well I do have my gun..." Kensi laughed. There were only inches separating them as they stared into each other's eyes. Kensi was slowly leaning down to kiss him when the door opened. Kensi jerked back immediately, retreating several steps..

"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to check how your ribs are Mr Deeks." A young nurse asked, walking over to him.

"They're fine, thanks." Deeks replied, focusing his attention on Kensi who was standing away from him gathering her bag in her hand.

"Okay good, I'll see you in a little bit." The nurse replied, sensing that she had just intruded on something.

"Look I'm going to go, you need your rest." Kensi said, walking towards the door.

"Kens wait..."

"Bye Deeks."

Deeks sighed watching her walk away.

*End flashback*

* * *

Deeks began snapping pictures of the men and women entering inside Jack's house sending them to Eric to run through facial recognition. He watched as Kensi pulled up outside the house, talking to one of the men as she walked inside. She looked tired.

Eric had sent Kensi a text telling her to meet at a remote location after she was done at Jack's. She knew immediately who she would be meeting up with.

"Hey babe, did you get those supplies?" Jack asked, kissing her on the cheek as she walked inside the house.

"Yeah." Kensi smiled handing Jack the bag containing the refreshments for the meeting.

"Thank you so much, come in, we're just about to start." Jack rushed to get everything ready for the meeting he was heading.

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming today, I present to you our next project: ending drone strikes" Jack announced proudly, displaying a street map for their next protest march.

"The government tells us that they are targeting terrorists through these strikes yet they don't even have to present any proof whatsoever. They're not keeping any records of how many people are killed in these strikes. Hell, any military aged guy found around the area they bomb gets labelled a militant. It's guilty until proven innocent with this program." Jack sighed, rubbing a hand through his long brown hair, the feeling of injustice was threatening to overwhelm him. Kensi watched closely as he spoke with a furious passion she had never truly seen before. He was well and truly dedicated to this new cause. So far there had been no signs of any extreme views as far as Jack was concerned. However, some of the other members involved in the protests were starting to adopt a far more alarming style of direct action.

"Who knows how many civilians have been killed through this program." Jack shook his head, swallowing down the anger, focusing on continuing the briefing. "These guys are sitting behind a computer desk pressing a button miles away from the actual location they bomb, they go home at the end of the night and just forget about what they've done." Jack paused for a moment having flashbacks to his time in Iraq, remembering the horrors that he saw during his deployment. The actions that he took while he was on duty were something that he relived every single day. While the PTSD symptoms had drastically decreased over the years, the guilt had never left him. He had dedicated himself to anti-war campaigning as a means to make up for his time fighting overseas.

"We're hitting Washington next week, I'm talking street marches, banners, chanting." Jack was fired up about the new campaign. He spoke with enthusiasm as he detailed how they were going to spread the word.

* * *

Deeks waited patiently for Kensi to arrive at their meet-up location. He tried to remain calm, knowing that it was common for delays when you were undercover. God knows how many check-ins he had missed throughout his career. That was small comfort however, he was only ever late to check-in because he was in trouble. He couldn't help it as his mind wandered through all of the possible scenarios for why she was late. What if she was injured? What if her cover was blown? Of all of the possible scenarios in his head there was one that he kept on returning to over and over again. He shuddered at the thought of her being with another man, it just about destroyed him each time his mind crept back to that scenario.

Deeks was interrupted from his thoughts as saw her start to walk over to him. He ticked off a short checklist in his head as he studied her, her hair wasn't messed up and her clothes weren't wrinkled, thank god.

She looked apprehensive, which was unusual for her, she was usually so sure of herself, so confident, yet she looked uncertain as she approached him. Her arms were folded tightly over her chest, she wore jeans and a hoody which was currently up, obscuring her face as she looked around the beach making sure that they were alone.

"We're clear, Eric tracked you to make sure." Deeks said, putting his hands in his jean pockets, as he stared at her, analysing her body language and facial reactions. She was nervous.

Deeks sat down on the sand staring out into the ocean, hoping that his gesture would take some of the pressure off her.

Kensi watched him slightly unsure of her next move. She stood there looking down at the spot beside him, slowly building up the courage to sit there. She eventually made her way over to him, mirroring his actions, staring out into the ocean, watching the waves break.

After what felt like hours of uncomfortable silence to Deeks, Kensi finally spoke. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you..." She said softly, looking down at the sand beneath her. She hugged her legs to her body, tilting her head to look over at Deeks, searching his face for a reaction.

"Why? It's not like I was upfront with you about Monica." Deeks was doing his best to try and shrug it off but she could tell that it bothered him. He just continued to look out into the ocean for one, and two, his eyes betrayed him, the hurt was written in the cold blue tint.

Kensi sighed, picking up a shell from the beach and twisting it around in her fingers. "Yeah but this is different..."

Deeks waited for her to continue, he could see her fiddling with the shell out of the corner of his eye. He knew that this was hard for her. He tried to follow Hetty's advice, to let her engage him in the conversation, to open up to him. Yet, he couldn't settle for that. That's not how they worked, she was the one who backed off, he was the one who pushed.

"Do you still love him?" Deeks asked abruptly. The tension in the air was palpable.

Kensi was shocked, she could barely string together an answer "I... I... don't know..." She eventually stuttered out.

Deeks turned his attention back to the beach trying to shrug off the hurt that her answer had caused him. Afterall, it wasn't a no...

"He's so different..." Kensi confessed after a few further minutes of silence.

Deeks looked over at his partner, she was conflicted, playing with the sand in front of her. That's when he noticed it, the new addition to her left hand.

Kensi could sense that Deeks was staring at her, when she looked over at him she was surprised to find that he wasn't looking at her face. She followed his line of vision, noting that it was centered on her left hand. Deeks finally drew his eyes away from the ring to look into her eyes, questioning her about with one simple look.

Kensi sighed, slipping the ring off, twirling it in her fingers, the small diamond sparkled as it caught the receding sunshine. "Hetty asked me if I still had the ring he gave me..." Kensi looked down at the golden band "I never threw it away..."

She watched as Deeks began to shuffle uncomfortably in the sand beside her. He was trying to compose himself as he bit back the pangs of jealousy raging throughout his body.

"She suggested that I left it in my drawer at the cover house..." Kensi wiped a tear from her cheek using the sleeve of her hoody. "So that when I asked him to get something from the drawer he would see it." Kensi sniffed before continuing. "He did..." Kensi swiped at the next tear that fell, hoping that Deeks didn't notice. "He asked me to wear it again." Kensi finished.

"It's small." Deeks said, unable to contain his jealousy and hurt. He knew that he was being juvenile but right now he had to be, it's the only way he could cope with what she had just told him.

Kensi surprised him by laughing, despite the tears falling from her eyes. Her outburst caused Deeks to laugh too, knowing how petty the comment had been. The two of them laughed together despite the pain of the situation.

"Kens are you sure that this is a good idea being involved in this case?" Deeks asked, finally looking at her. Her eyes were red and puffy, her expression worn.

"I'm the only one that can get close to these guys Deeks, they're a tight-knit unit, they don't take kindly to outsiders."

"Yeah but aren't you too close?" Deeks knew that it was a tough question. He'd done enough undercover work to know that there was a very fine line between getting close and getting too close. That line was often blurred.

Kensi sighed "How close is too close Deeks? You've done this stuff more than I have, why don't you tell me?" Kensi asked, she wasn't angry or hurt by his question, she was just tired. She'd been working the case for three weeks now and it was eating away at her.

"What was it like being Max Gentry when you were with Nicole?" Kensi asked. She could have asked him about Monica but she knew that he wasn't in love with her. Nicole however, was a whole other story.

She watched as he squirmed uncomfortably. She wasn't expecting a reply, that's why she said it, to get him to back off. She had spent the better part of three weeks lying to Jack, pretending that she had gotten over him leaving, that everything between them was alright, she wasn't going to stick around as Deeks avoided her serious questions like usual.

Kensi began the motion to get up but Deeks pulled her back down next to him. "It was awful." Deeks confessed, actually answering her question seriously, much to Kensi's surprise. "It's the worst part about this job" Deeks continued as the sun began to set in the background. "I hate lying to people." The beautiful pink, yellow and red colors strewn across the horizon provided a stark contrast to the conversation they were engaged in. "Being Max means being the biggest asshole you can imagine..." Deeks ran a hand through his hair, pausing before he continued, "everything was a lie."

"The feelings weren't." Kensi said softly, causing Deeks to snap his head up, looking directly at her.

"No... they weren't" Deeks confessed sadly.

Kensi sighed pondering his confession for a moment. "I don't know if I can get through this Deeks... the lies... the pretending..."

"You will Kens, you're the strongest person I know, you'll find a way."

"Even if that means locking up the first man I ever truly loved?" Kensi asked sobbing.

What could Deeks say to that?

He didn't have an answer for her he simply wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She buried her head in his chest sobbing. She let out all of the emotion she had been bottling up inside for all of those weeks. The tears just came flooding out of her. The beach was shrouded in darkness except for the moonlight cascading down on them. Deeks just held onto her, letting her know that he would be there for her.

"I'm sorry." Kensi said pulling back from him slightly.

Deeks cupped her face with both hands, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Hey, don't be." Deeks said, brushing the hair from her face as he continued to stare into her eyes. "I'll be with you every step along the way okay?" Deeks said, his eyes never wavering from her own. Kensi just nodded, he always knew the right thing to say.

Deeks knew that now was not the right time to kiss her, it took everything in him not to.

"It's getting late, you should probably get back..." Deeks said sadly, releasing his hold on her face, beginning the motion to stand up.

"Yeah..." Kensi said sadly, wishing that she didn't have to go back there.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the reviews everyone :)

* * *

Ever since their meeting on the beach, Deeks had been on-edge worrying about Kensi. He was quiet at work, throwing himself into paperwork as a distraction.

*Flashback - two and a half months ago*

Kensi continued visiting Deeks in the hospital despite how awkward things had become after their near kiss.

They made small talk most days, skirting around the important issues.

Finally Deeks couldn't take it any longer.

"Look Kens, can we talk about the kiss..." He said softly.

"Deeks, I promise, when you're feeling better, we'll talk, okay?" Kensi replied.

"Okay." He sighed, it was better than nothing.

*end flashback*

Despite Kensi's promise that conversation had still yet to happen. They had only been back at work a couple of weeks but something had definitely changed between them. Deeks noticed it immediately, she was acting distant, no longer hanging out with him outside of work hours. He thought that she was giving him the cold shoulder but now he knew the truth. She was with Jack.

"Yo Deeks." Sam called out for the third time trying to get the detective's attention by waving his hand in front of his face.

"Huh? Wha? Sorry." Deeks finally snapped out of his thoughts directing his attention to Sam.

"You were a million miles away, everything okay?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Yeah, of course..." Deeks exaggerated his reply, trying to sound happy.

"Okay..." Sam replied, clearly skeptical of the detective's response.

"I'm gonna go to the gym." Deeks announced, leaving his seat quickly, trying to avoid further questioning.

Deeks entered the gym, walking over to the punching bag. He quickly put on the boxing gloves and began beating the hell out of the bag.

"You sure you don't wanna talk?" Sam asked, steadying the punching bag as Deeks continued to pound it.

"Nope." Deeks replied, concentrating on hitting the bag as hard as he could.

"Alright then, you wanna spar?" Sam offered, hoping that it would get Deeks to open up.

"Sure." Deeks agreed, wiping the sweat off his forehead with a towel before they headed over to the mat.

"Okay, let's make a deal, I win you talk, you win, I'll leave you alone." Sam cut straight to the chase knowing that Deeks was in no mood for a therapy session, he was in the mood for a fight.

"Okay." Deeks agreed, shaking Sam's hand before the battle.

Deeks put up a good fight against his much larger opponent catching Sam with a series of punches. However, once the emotion started to kick in, Sam quickly started to get the upper hand. Deeks' downfall was brought on by a series of wild punches thrown out of anger and frustration. They missed their mark by a long shot allowing Sam to catch his arm and twist it behind his back.

"Stop." Sam cautioned, this was starting to get out of hand very quickly.

Deeks continued to struggle to free himself leaving Sam with no other option but to send Deeks careening down onto the mat. Sam dug his knee into his back, twisting Deeks' arm again for good measure.

"Talk to me Deeks." Sam released his grip on the detective allowing him to stand up.

The two men walked over to the bench in the corner of the room.

"I feel so helpless..." Deeks confessed, looking up at Sam as he continued "I hate it."

"I know what you mean, I hate it too but there's nothing we can do, we just gotta sit back and be there for her as best we can." Sam was being honest, he hated the situation as much as Deeks.

"What if she's still in love with him Sam?" Deeks asked.

Sam could see the pain on Deeks' face, it was etched in the frown plastered across his forehead. "We don't deal in what-ifs Deeks, you know that..."

Deeks sighed. "I do, it's just..."

"Look, I'm going to say this to you real slow so you understand okay? No matter what happens Deeks, Kensi's still going to love you." Sam said, watching as confusion flushed across the detective's face.

"Wah... What?" Deeks stuttered, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"You heard." Sam repeated, staunch in his disposition as he simply folded his arms across his chest.

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" Deeks questioned, skeptically raising an eyebrow at the older man.

"When have I ever said anything to make you feel better?" Sam replied.

Deeks chuckled slightly, Sam never was one for exchanging pleasantries.

"It's true. I knew the minute she found you Deeks that you were more than just her partner." Sam confessed.

*Flashback*

Sam cringed as he heard the loud crack of Sidorov's fist connecting with Deeks' cheek bone.

Even after all of the pain and torture Deeks still hadn't broken.

As Sidorov splashed a cold bucket of water over Deeks in order to wake him up, Sam watched on helplessly, trying to free himself from his bindings.

Sam watched as Sidorov asked the same questions over and over again, stabbing a knife forcefully into Deeks' stomach as he didn't reply.

A few seconds later gunfire began ringing out throughout the warehouse. Before he knew what was happening Sam watched as Callen, Kensi and Michelle entered the room, shooting Sidorov and his lackey. Michelle ran over to him, untying his hands from the bindings of the chair asking if he was okay. Yet Sam couldn't respond, his eyes were firmly locked on Deeks who was still lying motionless. All he could hear were Kensi's desperate pleas for a response. Sam watched as Kensi placed her hands over Deeks' stomach trying to stem the bleeding.

*end flashback*

Sam shuddered as he remembered the image in his mind. "I thought you were dead because she was screaming, I've never seen her like that before. She couldn't find your pulse Deeks, she was distraught." Sam said. That image had haunted him, thinking that Deeks had died in order to protect his wife. Especially after what Sam had said to him earlier in the day.

"I may have questioned your character Deeks, but you proved yourself to me that day and everyday since. You are one hell of a man Deeks and I trust you with my life. I trust you with her life. I know you always have her best interests at heart." Sam confessed.

"I guess what I'm saying is... if you feel the same way about her, you've got me and Callen's blessing to go ahead with it." Sam patted Deeks on the shoulder leaving him sitting there in shock.

* * *

Later in the afternoon Deeks was sitting with Kensi outside a warehouse where another meeting was taking place. This was a meeting she hadn't been invited to, a much more secretive event that Kensi had only found out about by reading Jack's cellphone. Kensi had planted an audio recording device in Jack's bag, allowing everyone to listen in to the discussions.

"Kens, are you okay?" Deeks asked, noticing the way she was looking outside the car window. Her eyes were flicking around nervously, she was clearly on edge about something.

"I'm fine." Kensi replied, not even bothering to look at him.

"Yeah and I'm Mother Theresa, come on Kens..." Deeks pleaded.

"Look Deeks, I just have a bad feeling about this meeting, Jack's been acting really weird and distant with me, something's up." Kensi replied.

Deeks was about to reply but was interrupted by Eric who informed them that the meeting was about to start.

* * *

"6,500 former military personnel killed themselves last year..." It was Ames addressing the men gathered together. Ames' tone changed as he delivered the next line,"That's 6,500 too many." There was a loud thud as he banged his hand down on the podium causing it to shake slightly from side to side.

"We need to draw attention to what is happening in this country, the media don't give a shit about covering the important issues unless we force them to." Ames yelled.

"This government only cares about you if you can carry a gun... once you hang up that gun you're alone, they don't give a shit, you've served your purpose." Ames continued, directly addressing the former military personnel at the meeting.

"This is all about waking America up to what is going on in this country... While people are starving, homeless and jobless we're spending trillions of dollars on fighting unjust wars overseas. Human life is no longer sacred to this government. They label the death of civilians 'collateral damage' like their life doesn't even matter."

"What's the plan?" One of the men yelled out, clearly getting angsty.

"We're making sure that this government and those that came before it can't ignore the consequences of their foreign policy." Ames replied as he detailed his plan. "Those son of a bitches who send us to fight unjust wars are going to pay for their actions... We're going to blow those bastards to pieces." Ames stated.

* * *

Deeks watched as Kensi cringed in the seat beside him. She shut her eyes tightly trying to fight back the pain after hearing what Jack was involved in.

Deeks contemplated reaching over and squeezing her hand yet decided not to, knowing that this was already hard enough for her to deal with. The last thing Kensi needed was his advances.

A few minutes later they heard Jack being approached by Ames.

"Jackie boy, hang on a minute." Ames called out, running over to him as he was about to leave.

"No, man this is insane." Jack replied, wanting to get the hell out of there.

"It's the only way Jack, you and I both know that." Ames replied.

"No way, I'm out." Jack turned to leave, but was stopped by Ames grabbing his arm.

"You're out? Just like that, after everything we've been through?" Ames questioned, speaking in a hushed tone.

"I'm not helping you with this." Jack replied, shaking his arm off him as he turned once again to leave the warehouse.

"What if I'd said that about you Jack? Huh? What if I hadn't helped you?" Ames asked, watching as Jack stopped. "All you gotta do is help me rig the bombs up, everything else is taken care of, no one will ever know that you helped."

* * *

Deeks could see that Kensi was uncomfortable as she listened to the conversation.

"He won't actually go through with it will he?" Deeks asked.

"I don't know..." Kensi replied sadly, trying desperately not to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys, thanks for the reviews. I'm sorry but I've lost the desire to write detailed scenes of Kensi undercover with Jack. Perhaps I will write them through flashbacks further on in the fic if inspiration stikes, we'll see what happens. Just a note - there is a mention of suicide in this chapter, so please read with caution. Thanks :)

* * *

"Jack what is going on? Please just talk to me, you've been acting weird for days." Kensi pleaded as she followed him around the house. He had been avoiding her persistent questioning for the past two hours. She was nagging him now, desperate for some kind of response.

She had noticed a change in his behaviour. It had began gradually as Jack became more and more secretive about the text messages he was receiving, often leaving the room to reply. He had been very short-tempered going off at her over the smallest little thing. Kensi knew that it was because of what Ames had asked him to do yet she was powerless, unable to help him. Each and every time she had pushed him to talk she would just get an excuse.

"I'm tired."

"I haven't been feeling well."

The empty excuses made Kensi feel more and more helpless as the days went by. It was the exact same feeling all those years ago as she watched him struggle with PTSD.

"Nothing is going on." Jack replied, pushing past her as he headed towards the door.

Kensi sighed knowing that this could be her last chance to convince him to stop what he was doing. She had to reach out again, she owed it to him, she owed it to the love they had shared all those years ago. "I can't do this with you again Jack..." Kensi said sadly, tears falling down her cheeks as she spoke.

It was now or never, he was facing the rest of his life in jail if he walked through that door and she knew it.

"When I couldn't help you last time I felt useless Jack, please don't make me feel like that again." Kensi said. She was shaking as she watched him contemplate his next move. "You leaving just about killed me." Kensi confessed. It wasn't exactly a lie, Jack leaving had just about destroyed her. Yet she had moved on with her life, slowly but surely she had regathered herself, joining NCIS. She had forged a successful new career, solved her father's murder and found a place she truly belonged. Yet looking at her former _fiancé _Kensi couldn't help but feel guilt about her success when here he was, on the verge of spending the rest of his life in jail unable to deal with his own personal demons.

Jack sighed slowly turning around to face her. Kensi noted immediately the agony on his face, the pained expression said more than words ever could. The inner conflict was wracking his body and was evident in the way his hand shook uncontrollably. There was a light coating of sweat across his forehead as he searched for words. "I'm sorry." Jack said, turning around and never looking back.

Kensi collapsed slinking slowly down the wall to the floor below as she watched him walk out.

A myriad of thoughts were swirling around her mind as she sobbed.

"Should I go after him?"

"What more could I have done?"

* * *

Meanwhile Deeks tailed Jack as he sped off down the street. Deeks couldn't help but wonder what had happened, desperately wishing that Kensi had been wearing her ear wig. Jack had looked distraught as he entered his car, sitting inside it for a full five minutes before leaving.

Deeks watched as Jack pulled up outside Ames' house, slamming the car door as he stormed down the driveway.

Deeks drank from his super sized cup of coffee waiting for Jack to come out of the house. The hours passed slowly, made worse by the fact that his partner wasn't there. Kensi always made stake-outs much more bearable. Deeks couldn't help but think about her, he wondered what she was feeling right now. He wondered if she thought about him at all while she was with Jack. He wondered what was going to happen once the operation was over. He knew that it was about to come to a head yet he had no idea how Kensi was going to cope with the fallout.

Deeks' thoughts were interrupted as Jack exited the house. He was locked in a heated discussion with Ames as he carried two very large bags outside placing them into the trunk of his car. Deeks continued to snap photos, sending them to Eric.

* * *

"He's building the bombs?" Kensi asked. Her tone was shaky, she looked downright dejected as she sat in front of Hetty. Deeks' surveillance photos were placed in front of her on the desk. She scanned her eyes over them wishing desperately that things were not as they seemed.

"It appears so..." Hetty replied solemnly.

"Can you let me talk to him one last time?" Kensi asked, feeling like she had failed him.

"I don't think that's a good idea"

"Please, Hetty." Kensi pleaded.

"You going back in could blow this entire operation, I am not willing to send you back. We have enough information to arrest them. Ms Blye, Jack is a national security risk, the man you used to know does not exist anymore."

Hetty's words were harsh yet Kensi needed to hear them. While she might be able to convince Jack not to make the bombs, what's to say that he wouldn't be tempted again in the future? Who knows how he would react to her being an agent. There were too many variables for Hetty to allow her to go back. Besides, Hetty wasn't interested in putting her agent's into harms way if the risk was greater than the reward. She was far too weary after the case with Sidorov and the stolen nukes.

"The raids will take place as planned this afternoon." Hetty said standing firm in her decision.

"And no, you will not be involved." Hetty added.

* * *

Sam and Callen led the raid on Ames busting into his house with a full team of NCIS agents behind them. They were taking no chances.

"I haven't done anything!" Ames yelled as Sam threw him to the ground. "Try conspiracy to commit a terrorist act." Sam replied cuffing him.

Meanwhile across town Deeks was with another unit of NCIS agents stationed outside Jack's house.

They breached the door, rushing inside.

"Jack Matthews, you're under arrest." Deeks shouted, aiming his gun at Jack's head.

Jack freaked out and decided to make a run for it heading for the open window in the bedroom. Deeks ran after him tackling him from behind and punching him as he squirmed on the ground trying to break free. Sure, Deeks could have asked for more help in restraining Jack, yet the punch was so much more satisfying.

Deeks cuffed him, handing him over to another NCIS agent to lead outside. Deeks needed a minute to control himself. The throbbing pain in his hand was intense as was his pulse after the encounter with Kensi's ex.

Deeks took a moment to look around the room as the rest of the team started their search of the house. Deeks immediately noticed Kensi's bra sitting on the bed. He fought back the pangs of jealousy walking out the room leaving another agent to search that area.

Deeks urgently needed a distraction so headed over to the bags Jack had received from Ames earlier. He bent down, slowly unzipping each one carefully. There were a number of electronic wires strewn inside one of the bags while the other housed a timer and explosive material.

"Gotcha." Deeks thought. Yet whatever happiness he might have taken from making the arrest he knew that his partner must be going through hell right now.

* * *

"Shut up and sit down." Deeks growled pushing Jack forcefully towards the chair in the interrogation room of the boatshed.

"You wanna tell me why you were in possession of bomb making equipment?" Deeks asked taking a seat opposite to Jack, placing photographs of the equipment in front of him on the table.

"I'm not saying anything until I get a lawyer." Jack replied.

Outside Callen, Sam and Kensi were watching the live feed as Jack continually refused to answer any of Deeks' questions.

"I'm going in." Kensi announced.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked, blocking her path. His face was full of sympathy for her situation, wanting to let her know that she didn't have to do this if she didn't want to.

"Yes." Kensi replied, determination in her tone as she strided towards the small room.

Kensi knocked a couple of times letting Deeks know that she was about to enter.

Jack looked up with shock watching as Kensi walked into the room and over to Deeks.

Kensi pulled Deeks into the corner of the room, whispering quietly into his ear. "Deeks, I got this." She gently placed her hand on his arm, trying to assure him that she was strong enough to proceed.

"Are you sure?" Deeks asked, trying to read her facial expression, while she looked confident he could tell that she was anything but that right now.

"Yes." Kensi replied.

"Okay." Deeks gave her a weak smile before turning around to face Jack again.

Overcoming his initial shock, words finally found him. "Kensi? What are you doing here?" Jack asked.

"It's Agent Blye to you douchebag." Deeks said pointedly, exiting the room.

Kensi squeezed her eyes shut. She had wanted to break the news to Jack a lot gentler. Yet she didn't really blame him for his outburst. It was exactly the same as her reaction to Monica afterall.

Deeks knew that it was pathetic, jealous, spiteful even, yet he couldn't help the words coming from his mouth. Callen and Sam were glaring at him as he returned to watch the feed yet he didn't care.

"Wait, what?" Jack's jaw dropped as he looked at Kensi for an explanation for Deeks' outburst.

"I'm an agent, Jack." Kensi sighed, taking a seat in front of him.

"With NCIS?" Jack questioned. He was slowly beginning to put the pieces together.

"Yes..." Kensi's tone was calm and relaxed despite how she was feeling.

"So you finding me wasn't a great big coincidence afterall?" Jack sighed, leaning back into the chair, he felt like a complete and utter fool.

Kensi nodded her head.

"So everything was one great big lie?" Jack asked.

Kensi nodded again, taking the ring he had given her off her finger and sliding it over the table towards him.

Jack fought back his emotions, taking the ring in his hand. "I should have known you wouldn't forgive me that easily." Jack smiled softly at her. She was the daughter of a marine, a strong, independent woman that wouldn't take crap from anyone. Yet she had simply forgiven him and carried on like nothing had happened. It was almost _too easy_. Well, it turns out that it was too easy, she was undercover. Jack felt a deep sense of betrayal having learned the truth.

Kensi broke eye contact with him looking down at the table in front of her. Finally the lies were over, she could be upfront with him.

"Blondie's your partner huh?" Jack asked.

Kensi nodded.

"That's why he punched me..." Jack reached a hand up to his bruised jaw, enlightened about the resentment he received from the detective.

Kensi watched Jack carefully, unable to think about Deeks' actions for the time-being, she simply concentrated on Jack's reactions. "Look, we're not here to talk about me, why did you agree to help Ames build those bombs?" Kensi asked, remaining professional in her approach.

"What? You actually think that I'm going to talk to you after everything you did?" Jack asked.

"After everything I did? You're the one who walked out on me." Kensi replied.

"What was I supposed to do Kensi? I couldn't cope with you constantly smothering me, asking me if I was alright..."

Kensi interruped him. "I'm sorry for caring." She said, sarcasm heavy in her voice.

"Oh come on don't do that, don't try to play the victim here." Jack said.

"You left me Jack!" Kensi yelled.

"I had to!" Jack replied matching her with tone and aggression.

"Why?" Kensi asked. The calm demeanour returning to her voice as she setlled back into her seat.

"I couldn't stand seeing what I'd done to you..." Jack confessed sadly. "I couldn't cope once I got back... I was a broken mess and I took it out on you... I couldn't stick around and bring you down with me..."

Kensi watched him closely as he talked. She could hear the genuine remorse in his voice as he spoke. "Where did you go?" Kensi asked softly.

"I lived on the street..." Jack replied looking up at her before he continued. "Like you did..."

Sam and Callen looked at each other, sharing a confused expression. "Kensi lived on the street?" Callen questioned. Both men turned to Deeks who continued staring at the feed unphased by the news. "You knew?" Callen asked, noting his reaction. "She ran away after her dad died." Deeks stated simply.

"How does he know that?" Sam mouthed to his partner, feeling a little hurt about not knowing this piece of information about Kensi. Callen simply raised both eyebrows as he shrugged. The silent conversation between the two was interrupted as Kensi continued with her questioning.

"How did you meet Ames?" Kensi asked.

"I met him in rehab..." Jack replied looking up to gauge Kensi's reaction to the news. "I started doing drugs to cope with everything..." He confessed softly, almost ashamed to admit it to her.

Kensi gasped slightly, unable to hide her feelings as tears began to fall down her cheeks.

"Ames was the only one in rehab who had served as well." Jack said.

"So you two developed a pretty strong friendship?" Kensi asked, keeping her questions somewhat open-ended in order for him to elaborate.

"He saved my life." Jack replied.

"What do you mean?" Kensi asked, leaning closer to Jack, trying to get him to look at her.

"We were room mates..." Jack continued to look down at the table as he recounted the story. "One night I had this horrible nightmare about being back there..." Jack breathed in, closing his eyes, reliving it. "I was going to kill myself..." Jack confessed.

Kensi squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to block out the stabbing pain racking her entire body. "Please be a lie, please be a lie." She repeated to herself over and over again.

"He stopped me..." Jack let a few tears fall as he remembered that night standing alone out on the bridge. "He pulled me back up from the ledge." Jack choked out.

Kensi took several moments to compose herself before asking him another question. "So, what happened after that night?"

"He introduced me to the anti-war movement." Jack smiled yet the tears kept flowing. "I finally found something that made me feel human again."

Kensi couldn't help but feel immense pain and mourning for the man she had once loved and lost. Another casualty of war, scarred so much from his experience.

"So when he came to you about his plan to blow up the conferences how did you react?" Kensi asked.

"At first, I told him he was insane, that I wouldn't help him." Jack replied.

"What changed?" Kensi pressed.

"He told me that I owed him my life." Jack's voice was full of sorrow.

"So you agreed to help?" Kensi asked gently.

"Yes." Jack hung his head in shame, tears falling from his eyes. He began breaking down. "What's going to happen to me, Kensi?" Jack asked desperately, his entire body shaking as it was overwhelmed by emotion.

"I don't know..." Kensi rushed out of the room quickly, running out of the boatshed and collapsing against the outside walls pulling her legs tightly into her chest, lightly rocking back and forward, trying to comfort herself from the overwhelming guilt.

Deeks was about to go running after her but Sam told him to "let her go."


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry this took so long to update! Thank you all for the kind reviews :)

* * *

"Hey." Deeks said softly, walking up to Kensi. She looked lost as she stared out into the ocean. It was as if she was looking for guidance from the waves crashing against the shore.

"Hey." Kensi replied softly, not bothering to ask him how he had found her. She quickly wiped the stray tear from her cheek as he sat beside her.

The cool wind gently spread loose particles of sand down the beach as they sat in silence for a few minutes. The temperature was quickly plummeting as the remaining sunlight rapidly disappeared. Goosebumps swept across Deeks' arm, the brisk breeze penetrating through the light jacket he was wearing. Looking over at his partner he noticed her shivering slightly, wearing only a tank top from earlier in the day.

Deeks didn't hesitate in taking his jacket off and wrapping it around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. He rubbed his hands up and down her arms trying to warm her up.

"It's over Kens, it's all over." Deeks said softly, leaning his head against her own.

She sobbed in his arms, the reality of the situation hitting her like a tonne of bricks.

"He's going to spend... the rest of his life... in prison... thanks to me Deeks." Kensi replied in between sobs.

_What do you say to that?_

"Kens..."

"No. It's true. I should have tried harder..." Kensi replied, cutting him off before he could speak.

"Kensi."

"No." She removed herself from Deeks' grasp, taking off down the beach.

Deeks knew what it was like coming down from undercover assignments, he contemplated whether he should go after her. He knew what it was like to carry around the guilt of deceiving people. It was something he had done with Nicole all those years ago. The more he thought about it the less content he was to sit back and watch her deal with it alone.

"Hey." Deeks called out to Kensi, trying to get her to slow down as he ran to catch up with her. "Hey" Deeks said reaching out for her arm, stopping her retreat.

"Please Deeks, just let me be alone right now." Kensi said, pulling her arm away from his grasp.

"I can't do that Kens." He replied. "I know what you're going through right now and I want you to know that you don't have to go through it alone. Come back to my place." Deeks pleaded, his eyes full of concern for her as he put forward the offer.

"I have to be alone right now." Kensi replied a few seconds later.

"Okay, that's okay." Deeks replied understanding and accepting of her decision, knowing that he had reacted similarly under the same circumstances in the past. "Just promise me that you'll text me or call me... just let me know that you're okay?" Deeks replied, stumbling over his words as he tried to communicate his concern to her.

"I will." Kensi replied, brushing past him as she walked off.

* * *

Kensi hadn't texted or called Deeks for three days despite the multiple messages he had left her. Hetty had understandably given her time off after the case yet she was clearly avoiding all forms of communication with Deeks which left him no other option.

"Deeks, what are you doing here?" Kensi sighed, opening her door only slightly.

"It's Monty's fault, he was missing you, he insisted that I come over here." Deeks said, watching as Monty nudged the door open, licking Kensi's hand, gently coaxing her into patting him.

"Look, I'll go if you don't want me here but can Monty stay?" Deeks asked, the thought of her being alone through all of this was upsetting to him. "He keeps moping around my apartment, he's barely eating anything, he's starting to howl..." Deeks babbled on with a ridiculous story.

"Fine, enough, the dog can stay." Kensi said mainly to get Deeks to stop talking.

"And me? I come bearing gifts." He held up a six-pack of beer and planted a cheesy smile on his face. He watched her contemplate letting him in for a good few seconds.

"Fine, but I'm not talking to you." Kensi replied stubbornly.

Deeks' response is on the tip of his tongue but she keeps talking.

"And you can't ask if I'm alright."

"Okay."

"Or when I'm coming back."

"Got it."

"And you can't comment on what we watch."

"So we're just going to be talking about the weather then?" Deeks asked sarcastically, yet changed his tone when Kensi attempted to shut the door on him. "I love talking about the weather, the weather in L.A. is amazing." Deeks said, pushing against the door, forcing her to re-open it. "Okay, okay, I got it, we won't talk about any of that, just let me in already." Deeks pleaded.

"Fine."

He took a seat on her couch, looking up at her, wondering why she hadn't joined him. "What?"

"No food?" She gestured towards the table in front of them, the usual greasy delights that Deeks would bring over were missing.

"It's 9 o'clock, I thought you would have already eaten." Deeks replied, when Kensi shrugged her shoulders he laughed. "I should have known, you have terrible eating patterns."

"I did not invite you in so you could insult me."

"I wasn't, look, gimme your phone, I'll order some pizza."

"Good, and make sure you get..."

"Stuffed crust, I got it." Deeks said, a little insulted that she felt the need to remind him. He knew exactly what she liked on her pizza, how she had her coffee... The list was endless.

* * *

Several beers and pizza slices later they were collapsed on the couch watching another episode of America's Next Top Model. While Deeks had been on his best behavior avoiding asking her anything from her banned list, she could feel his eyes watching her instead of the screen. Although he was being very subtle, steeling glances every now and then hoping that she wouldn't notice, she did.

"What?" She asked, turning to face him suddenly.

"H... how did you even know I was looking?" Deeks asked.

"Who do you think came top in their surveillance and tracking class, Deeks?" Kensi asked angrily. "Besides, you are so obvious." Her tone lightened up some as she punched him in the arm.

"Yeah well maybe I wanted it to be obvious." Deeks threw back, trying his best to sound serious. He lasted all of five seconds before busting out with a telling smile.

"You're an idiot, you know that right?" Kensi replied, a smile of her own spreading across her face.

"Well my partner tends to remind me of that fact everyday so I can't forget."

"Your partner sounds smart."

"My partner is a smart _ass_." Deeks corrected.

Kensi just shook her head, taking another swig from her bottle.

She absent-mindedly petted Monty as they continued to watch the tv in silence. It was getting late, Deeks could tell that she was getting tired yet he still didn't want to leave her.

As she yawned loudly Deeks finally broached the subject. "You're not going to kick me out are you?" Deeks said, breaking the silence.

"Yep." Kensi replied, with no hint of guilt.

"Even after I bought beers over, got you dinner, watched three hours of reality tv, even after all of that you're going to kick me out?"

Kensi shrugged.

"Fine, come on Monty." Deeks said calling his mutt who refused to move, simply looking up at him sleepily. "Really?"

"Monty can stay." Kensi scratched the dog behind the ears, smiling at Deeks.

"Okay fine, but I need to say something before I go..."

"Deeks, no, you promised."

"I know but, I'll go as soon as I've said it, okay?" Deeks said, taking Kensi's silence as a sign to continue.

"Kens, there were narcotics found at the scene, Jack was using again..." Deeks confessed. "It wouldn't have mattered what you said Kens, he wouldn't have listened to you anyway."

"You don't know that, Deeks." Kensi said, opening the door up for him to leave.

"Yes I do, you remember that time I got my gun taken from me by a junkie?" Deeks said, walking over to stand right in front of her. "I was a rookie cop, believed him when he told me that he didn't want to hurt me, it nearly cost me my life. Kens, Jack was a drug addict, nothing you could've said would have changed anything." Deeks said. Staying true to his word he left as soon as he had said it, hoping that sometime in the future she would forgive him.


	6. Chapter 6

Kensi knew that Deeks would be around in the morning to get Monty. She was already anticipating the knock at the door which came shortly after 8am. Quickly peering through her blinds Kensi spotted her shaggy-haired partner bearing gifts.

"I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have said anything but as usual I couldn't keep my big mouth shut and I'm sorry." Deeks said, handing over a packet of donuts and a large coffee, an obvious peace-offering.

Kensi took the items from his hands and stepped aside to let him in.

"Hey buddy, did you miss me?" Deeks asked, leaning down to pat Monty who greeted him with an obligatory tail wag.

"Do you have any plans for today?" Deeks said, returning to his feet and standing in front of her.

"Nope." Kensi said, removing one of the donuts from the packet, not bothering to offer him any.

"Why don't you come to the beach with me this morning?" Deeks offered casually, placing his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

"Not really in the mood." Kensi replied.

"Come on Kens, some fresh air, it'll do you good." Deeks said, the desperate plea reached his eyes as concern clouded the ocean blue coloring.

The longer Kensi looked at him the more her resolve broke down. "Fine..." She conceded.

"Great let's go." Deeks said enthusiastically to Monty.

* * *

"See what'd I tell ya? It's beautiful out here." Deeks gloated. The scene was truly magical as the sun streamed down and the waves crashed gently against the shore. It was a picturesque scene, almost out of a postcard.

"It is." Kensi said softly, yet Deeks could tell that even the most beautiful weather wasn't going to cheer her up.

"Hey, come on, we'll go sit somewhere." Deeks said, offering her his hand.

Kensi contemplated taking it, the genuine care and warmth in the look he was giving her tempted her yet she remained firm in her resolve. Sitting somewhere would mean having to talk and that was the last thing that she wanted. "I like being here." Kensi said, throwing a stick for Monty to chase after.

"Okay..." Deeks said, accepting her decision, just glad that she had agreed to come out with him.

* * *

Once Deeks dropped Kensi off home she rushed off to the bathroom muttering something that sounded an awful lot like "I'm going to be sick..."

"You don't look too good, are you sure you don't need a doctor?" Deeks asked, as she returned from the bathroom.

"No." Kensi replied in a firm tone.

"How long have you been feeling like this?" Deeks asked, putting his hand on her forehead to check for signs of a temperature.

"A few days, I'm sure it'll pass." Kensi replied, shrugging it off.

"If you say so..." Deeks said looking at her sceptically.

"I'm fine Deeks, you should get going, you'll be late for work."

* * *

"Great, just what I need." Kensi muttered looking down at her phone vibrating on the table. Putting on a happy voice she answered the phone. "Hi Mom."

"Hello dear, I don't mean to bother you but I was wondering if I could come over later and bring you some soup."

"Why would you do that?" Kensi asked sceptically.

"Well Marty told me that you weren't feeling well this morning, so I thought that it might help.."

Making a mental note to kill Deeks when she was feeling better, Kensi sighed. "I'm fine Mom, really, you don't have to bother."

"Nonsense, I've already made you two different types of soup so I will be over in an hour or so."

"Ugh..." Throwing the phone down, Kensi collapsed down on the couch, resting her hand over her forehead.

* * *

"Hi darling, how are you feeling?" Julia asked.

"Much better, thanks, you really didn't have to come over." Kensi replied.

"I wanted to make sure that you were okay, besides I haven't seen you much lately because of work and all..." Julia's voice trailed off slightly, a sense of sadness in her tone.

"I know... I was undercover..." Kensi said.

"And it's classified right?" Julia replied, understanding that her daughter's career had its drawbacks.

"National security and all." Kensi said somewhat sarcastically.

"Right, well I bought you a few supplies so you wouldn't have to go out until you're feeling better." Julia said heading straight over to the fridge. "Kensi, dear you should really clean this refrigerator out..."

"Kensi?" Julia questioned upon hearing no retort from her daughter.

"Bathroom." Kensi called out, emptying her stomach once more.

"Oh sweetheart, is there anything I can do?" Julia said, rubbing her back.

"No..." Kensi replied, feeling miserable.

"Have you finished?" Julia asked sympathetically.

"I don't think there's anything left..." Kensi complained.

"Come on sweetheart, let's get you on to the couch." Julia said helping Kensi up to her feet.

"How long have you been feeling like this?" Julia asked as Kensi lay down on the couch.

"Last couple of days..."

"Oh, you haven't had a fever or anything like that? No headache? Chills?" Julia said, placing her hand over Kensi's forehead.

"No."

"Sweetheart, there's no chance that you're pregnant is there?" Julia asked innocently.

"No what?" Kensi snapped her head up towards her mother.

"Sorry I just thought I would ask, it's probably just a stomach bug... unfortunately there's not much you can do except keep up the fluids." Julia replied.

As Julia's words sunk in Kensi suddenly felt the walls collapsing in around her, _pregnant_? No, she couldn't be... Right?

"Uh Mom... Do you mind if I try to get some rest right now?" Kensi said.

"Of course not dear, do you want me to go?" Julia asked.

"Sorry..."

"Don't be, that's perfectly fine, you call me if you need anything alright?"

"Of course, thank you."

* * *

Pacing outside the doctor's office later that afternoon, Kensi was incredibly tense.

"Thanks for seeing me at such short notice." Kensi said nervously taking a seat in front of Dr Smith.

"That's quite alright, what can I do for you today?" Dr Smith asked, offering a warm smile.

"I... well... I've been sick the last few days... throwing up... I just... well... I wanted to know if maybe I was pregnant?" Kensi said.

"Okay, when does this sickness come on? Is it in waves? How long does it last?" Dr Smith proceeded with a few questions before sending Kensi away to conduct a urine sample.

"We should find out in a few minutes." Dr Smith said trying to ease some of Kensi's nerves.

Kensi simply nodded her head, clasping her trembling fingers together in an effort to steady the shaking.

"Okay, here we go." The doctor said, receiving the results. "It is a positive result, you are going to be a mother." Dr Smith announced, offering her a smile.

Kensi froze. "Um wow... I don't really know what to say..."

"I will let you take a moment, then we can discuss some things to ease the morning sickness." Dr Smith said, leaving the room.

Kensi put the lack of having her period down to the stress of the undercover assignment, she didn't once think that she might be carrying a child...

Let alone _his_ child...

What was she going to do?

* * *

Author's Note:

Oh cliffhanger! Who is the father?


	7. Chapter 7

*Later that night*

"Deeks?" Kensi questioned, opening her door only slightly to reveal the man standing outside her apartment.

"Hey, look I'm sorry, I know you said you weren't up to seeing anyone tonight, but I had to make sure that you were alright." Deeks said. He had been worried about her all day, sending her a steady stream of text messages to make sure that she was okay. Kensi could see that he was carrying a bag in his right hand, no doubt containing a variety of supplies to treat her 'stomach upset'.

"I'm fine, now can you please go." Kensi said angrily, attempting to shut the door but Deeks had already trapped his foot in between the open space. "Come on, don't lie to me like that, I can see that you're not fine, have you been crying?" Deeks said pushing his way into her living room.

"So what if I have, what's it to you?" Kensi replied defensively, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her hoody, feeling the dampness of the used tissues shoved inside it earlier in the day.

"Kens, come on, please don't be like that, I care about you, what's going on?" Deeks pressed.

"Nothing Deeks, please just go." Kensi said, refusing to look at him.

"No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's bothering you." Deeks said taking several steps closer towards her. The sound of his voice changed, his tone much more gentle as he proceeded in his line of questioning. "Is it Jack?" Deeks asked softly.

"No." Kensi replied quickly, almost too quick for Deeks' liking.

"If it is Jack then you can tell me, you know you can tell me anything right?" Deeks said, tilting her chin up with his index finger. The sight that greeted him as her eyes met his own dumbfounded him for an initial few seconds. Tears were flowing freely down Kensi's cheeks.

Recovering from the initial shock of seeing her so upset Deeks gathered her in his arms. "Shhhh it's going to be okay Kens." Deeks said softly rubbing his hands up and down her back, trying his best to soothe the pain.

"How can you say that? Everything is screwed up, Deeks. I..." Kensi replied through the sobs that were threatening to overwhelm her.

"You're what Kens? Tell me what's wrong." Deeks pleaded, pulling back to look into her eyes.

"I'm pregnant."

*Flashback 3 months ago - After drinks with the team*

_"I'll give you a ride." Kensi said as Deeks stood up a little unsteadily on his feet despite not touching a drop of alcohol all night.  
_

_"I'm fine." Deeks replied, not wanting a pity party. _

_"Deeks, don't be stupid, Kensi will take you home, you've been through hell." Sam said, deciding to call it a night also. _

_"Fine..." Deeks conceded defeat to the two on one onslaught before Callen had a chance to get in on the action. _

_The journey to Kensi's car was largely silent as were the drinks with the team as everybody tried to process what had happened earlier in the day. _

_"Would you quit looking over at me already?" Deeks grumbled, his voice devoid of any emotion as he stared out the window of her car. He could see her looking at him out of the corner of his eyes throughout the night. _

_"Sorry." Kensi replied. _

_They drove for several minutes in complete silence until Kensi decided to take an unusual route. _

_"You missed my turn-off." Deeks said. _

_"You're staying with me tonight." Kensi said._

_"Kens."_

_"No, Deeks, this is non-negotiable, I nearly lost you, I'm not letting you go home alone and relive what happened to you." Kensi said, biting back the raw emotion rising to the surface. To her surprise Deeks didn't bother arguing with her, he simply kept staring ahead, his eyes fixated on something in the distance. He looked like a shell of the man he once was. _

_"We're here." Kensi said pulling up to her apartment, she felt the need to break the silence between them thus making the unnecessary announcement._

_Kensi disengaged her seat-belt watching as Deeks sat still, making no attempt to get out of the car. "Hey, are you okay?" Kensi said, gently leaning her hand on his shoulder, mindful of the pain he was in. _

_It took several moments for Deeks to finally turn and look at her but once he did, he revealed the weight of all his burdens, his crystal blue eyes welling up with tears that threatened to spill over at any moment. _

_"Oh Deeks." Kensi said, reaching down to un-do his seat belt. "Let's get you inside." She said, quickly rushing around to the passenger side door of her car. She opened the door up wide, leaning down to assist her partner out of the car. She wrapped an arm around him for stability knowing that he was on the verge of breaking down. They walked at a snail's pace towards her apartment, Deeks' feet dragging as they made the journey. _

_Kensi quickly unlocked the door, pushing it open and helping Deeks inside and down onto the couch. She watched as his shoulders slumped forward and he buried his head in his hands. The day's events had finally caught up with him as he let everything out. Kensi sat down beside him, gently wrapping her arms around him as best she could, pulling him closer to her. His entire body was shaking as he sobbed uncontrollably. _

_Deeks leaned into her as she held him tightly against her chest, letting tears of her own fall.  
_

_Several minutes passed before they finally relinquished their hold on each other, yet no words were shared. Instead, their eyes said it all. Deeks' eyes told her that he had just revealed a side of himself that nobody else had ever seen. While Kensi's told him that she would be with him every step of the way. Kensi slowly leaned in towards him, her face mere inches from Deeks as she contemplated her next move. Mindful that he was still in a lot of pain she placed a light, barely there kiss to his lips. _

_As Deeks was about to open his mouth to say something, Kensi brought her finger to his lips. "Shhhh." She said, taking hold of his hand and leading him into her bedroom. _

*End Flashback*

"Pregnant?" Deeks stammered, repeating the words she had just spoken back to her, making sure that he had heard her correctly.

Kensi nodded her head directing her gaze down towards the floor below as if she were ashamed to admit it.

"Am I?" Deeks stuttered slightly as he asked her the one question she had been anticipating all day. Slowly bringing her gaze back to his face Kensi gave him the answer he had been waiting for with a simple nod of the head.

* * *

Author's note:

I'm so evil... A nod of the head? Up? Down? Sideways? Yes? No? You're going to have to wait :) Sorry guys


End file.
